The Ironwood Project
The resource project

HOW TO RESPOND TO A DISCLOSURE

Please note; if a disclosure has already been made and you are reading this it is okay if you did not know this information - please do not shame yourself repair is always possible moving forward.


Your child has done one of the hardest things a person can do. The first words out of your mouth will be remembered.


Keep it simple. Keep it absolute.


"I believe you. You were so brave to tell me this. None of this is your fault. I love you, and I am going to make sure you are safe."


That is genuinely all you need to say in the first few minutes. There will be time for questions, for details, for the legal system – but none of that matters more than your child knowing, in that moment, that they made the right choice by telling you.


What you want to avoid: asking "why didn't you tell me sooner," expressing visible panic or explosive anger (even directed at the abuser), interrogating them for details, or saying anything that suggests doubt, even unintentionally. Phrases like "are you sure?" or "did you misunderstand what happened?" carry devastating weight for a child who has already spent enormous emotional energy summoning the courage to speak.


It is entirely normal to feel rage, grief, guilt, or panic in that moment. Those feelings are valid. They just cannot lead the conversation – not yet.


TRY YOUR BEST TO REGULATE YOUR EMOTIONS 

  • Try to be calm and relaxed. 

  • Do not look shocked, disgusted or say mean things about who you think may have abused the child – do not describe alleged offenders as criminals, pedophiles, predators, or their relationship as abusive. In offline and online situations, the abuser may have a close relationship with the child, even though the situation may have been abusive. 

  • If you feel that you cannot control your feelings, explain to the child that you are human and adults have emotions 


OFFER COMFORT 

Support children by letting them know that: 

  • they were very brave to tell 

  • you are glad they are telling you about this 

  • it is not their fault 

  • you are sorry that this has happened to them  

  • they are not alone – this happens to other children too 

  • you will do everything you can to help 

  • you are there to love and support them 

  • you want them to tell you the truth – it won’t make you mad, shocked or embarrassed 


Do not say things like: 

  • “How can you say those things about …?” 

  • “Are you lying?” 

  • “You must be mistaken.” 

  • “How could you let them do those things to you?” 

  • “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” 


Children may “take back” what they have said (this is called recanting). These children continue to need your love and support. 


BE AWARE OF THE CHILD’S AGE & SKILLS 

  • Accept the words a child uses (including “slang” words) to describe what happened. Some children do not know the right words for body parts or sexual behaviours. Do not correct or change the words the child uses – it is extremely important for the investigation that the child’s words are used when telling what happened. 


ASK QUESTIONS THAT LET THE CHILD TELL WHAT HAPPENED IN THEIR OWN WORDS 


Ask

  • “Can you tell me more about that?” 

  • “What happened next?” 

  • "How did you get that bruise?” 


Do Not

  • Question what the child tells you, for example, by asking “Are you sure it was Uncle?” 

  • Interrupt or add your own words when the child/adult stops talking. 

  • Ask children “why” something may have happened – many children may think you are blaming them for what happened. 

  • Try to change the mind of a child who has recanted or changed their story. 

  • Keep on asking questions or showing “evidence” (for example, any images or text messages) because you want to try to prove or disprove abuse. 



RESPECT THE CHILD WHO DISCLOSES 

  • If a child is telling, listen. 

  • If a child is quiet, do not try to make them talk. 

  • Do not show off a child’s injuries to others. 

  • Respect everyone’s privacy – this should not become the topic of “gossip.” 


TELL THE CHILD WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT 

  • Do not make promises you cannot keep, for example, do not agree to keep what the child said a “secret.” It is important to explain to the child that some secrets must be shared in order to get help, or to keep people from being hurt. Tell the child the information will be shared only with people “whose job it is to help kids.” 

  • Answer the child’s questions as simply and honestly as possible. Do not make up answers. For example, if a child asks, “Will (name) have to go to jail now?” you can only say, “I don’t know. Other people decide that.” 

  • Do not tell the child to keep any of your discussions with them secret. 


NOTE: If you suspect that a child may have been abused or is at risk for abuse, your role is to NOT try to prove any suspicions. Trying to do this may contaminate or ruin the investigation and may put the child at further risk. If you suspect a child is being or has been abused or if a child discloses abuse, you must report this information to the Children’s Aid Society (CAS). 


The "Do Not Investigate" Rule: This Is the Most Critical Point in This Guide

 This is the single most common mistake that parents make, and it can have irreversible consequences for any future legal case.

 

Do not investigate. Do not ask your child to explain what happened in detail, to repeat the story, to demonstrate what was done to them, or to walk you through a sequence of events. Do not go through their phone or devices looking for evidence. Do not confront the accused individual. Do not call the accused's family. Do not post about the situation on social media.

 

Every one of these actions, however well-intentioned, can contaminate the forensic evidence necessary to hold an abuser accountable. Canada's Child Advocacy Centres employ trained forensic interviewers who are specifically educated in extracting accurate information from children without leading their memory or causing additional trauma. The moment you ask a leading question – even something as innocent as "did he touch you here?", you risk introducing language into your child's account that may be later used to question its accuracy in court. The role of forensic interviews is to protect the child's account. Your role is to protect your child.


How You Can Support Your Child

  • Believe your child. Let them know you are glad they told you and that what happened was not their fault.

  • Provide safety. Ensure your child has no further contact with the person who caused harm unless directed otherwise by child protection services or the court.

  • Stay calm. Your child may worry about your reaction. Remaining as calm as possible helps them feel safe (while recognizing that you are human and have emotions).

  • Listen without pressure. Allow your child to share at their own pace. Avoid asking detailed questions, as trained professionals will gather the necessary information.

  • Maintain routines. Familiar routines help children regain a sense of predictability and security.

  • Seek professional support. Trauma-informed counselling can help both your child and your family navigate the healing process.


Helpful Things to Say

  • "I believe you."

  • "Thank you for telling me."

  • "This was not your fault."

  • "You are not in trouble."

  • "I will do everything I can to help keep you safe."

  • "We will get through this together."


Try to Avoid

  • Asking your child to repeatedly tell the story.

  • Making promises you cannot guarantee (e.g., "Everything will go back to normal.").

  • Speaking negatively about your child for disclosing.

  • Pressuring your child to forgive or have contact with the family member.

  • Expecting your child to comfort distressed adults.