The Ironwood Project
the resource project

When the Person Who Caused Harm is a Family Member

Learning that your child has experienced sexual abuse by someone within the family can be overwhelming. Parents often experience shock, anger, guilt, sadness, confusion, and fear about what comes next. While these reactions are understandable, one of the most important protective factors for a child's healing is having a supportive, believing, and emotionally available caregiver.  Call your local Children’s Aid Society (CAS) of where the incident(s) occurred.

The person being a family member is more common than many people realize.

It can create incredibly difficult decisions for families. Your first responsibility is your child's safety. You do not have to decide immediately what will happen to the relationship with the alleged offender.

Sexual abuse within a family often creates additional challenges

  • Children may have mixed feelings toward the person who harmed them.

  • Family members may react differently or disagree about what happened.

  • There may be changes in living arrangements, family gatherings, or custody schedules.

  • Children should never feel responsible for family conflict or decisions made by adults.

Your role is to reassure your child that adults are responsible for keeping children safe.

Focus first on:

  • keeping your child safe,

  • following professional advice,

  • obtaining support for yourself and your child.


Children May Experience

Every child responds differently. They may experience:

  • Changes in mood or behaviour

  • Anxiety, sadness, or anger

  • Difficulty sleeping or nightmares

  • Withdrawal from family or friends

  • Trouble concentrating at school

  • Physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches

  • Regressive behaviours (e.g., bedwetting, clinginess)

  • No obvious signs at all


All of these responses can be normal reactions to trauma.


When Other Family Members Don't Believe Your Child

One of the most painful parts of intrafamilial sexual abuse is that not everyone may respond the way you hope. Some family members may immediately believe your child. Others may deny the abuse, defend the alleged offender, minimize what happened, or pressure your family to "move on."

You may hear statements such as:

  • "They would never do something like that."

  • "I'm sure it was a misunderstanding."

  • "Think about what this will do to the family."

  • "You're tearing everyone apart."

  • "Can't we just handle this privately?"

  • "They've already suffered enough."


These reactions can be incredibly painful and confusing.

Remember that disbelief is often a response to fear, grief, denial, or shock—not evidence that your child is untruthful.


Your responsibility is not to convince everyone else. Your responsibility is to protect your child.


You Do Not Need Everyone's Agreement

It is natural to want your family to understand what happened. However, trying to convince people who are not ready to listen can become emotionally exhausting and may take valuable energy away from supporting your child.

Instead, focus on:

  • believing your child

  • following professional advice

  • creating a safe environment

  • surrounding yourself with supportive people


Not everyone has to agree with your decisions for them to be the right decisions.


Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Healthy boundaries may include:

  • declining invitations where the alleged offender will be present

  • asking relatives not to discuss the investigation with your child

  • limiting conversations that question or criticize your child's disclosure

  • choosing not to participate in family gatherings until it is safe to do so


Boundaries are not punishment. They are one way of protecting your child's physical and emotional safety.


Do Not Ask Your Child to Repair Adult Relationships

Children often notice tension within the family and may try to "fix" it.


They might say:

  • "It's okay if we just pretend nothing happened."

  • "I don't want Grandma to be upset."

  • "Maybe we can all be together again."


Although these statements come from love, children should never feel responsible for repairing family relationships.


You might respond:

  • "The adults will take care of the adult problems."

  • "Your job is simply to be a kid."

  • "My job is to keep you safe."


If Family Members Pressure Your Child

Some relatives may unintentionally pressure children by asking questions such as:

  • "Are you sure that's what happened?"

  • "Don't you miss them?"

  • "Can't you forgive them?"

  • "Wouldn't it be easier if everyone moved on?"


These conversations can increase shame, guilt, and confusion. If this happens, calmly end the conversation and explain that your child's healing—not family comfort—is the priority right now.


You cannot control how other people respond. You can control whether your child experiences one unwavering message:


"I believe you. I love you. I will protect you."


For many children, those words become one of the strongest foundations for healing.


Your child may not remember every appointment, every phone call, or every conversation that follows. They will, however, remember whether the adults they trusted believed them, protected them, and stood beside them. You cannot change what happened, but you have tremendous power to influence what happens next. Every act of belief, protection, and unconditional love becomes part of your child's healing story.


The following organizations and publications were referenced in the preparation of this information.

  • BOOST Child & Youth Advocacy Centre. Supporting Children, Youth and Families After Abuse.https://boostforkids.org

  • Canadian Centre for Child Protection. Resources for Parents and Caregivers.https://www.protectchildren.ca

  • Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH). Trauma and Mental Health.https://www.camh.ca

  • Halton Children's Aid Society. Reporting Child Abuse and Neglect.https://haltoncas.ca

  • National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). Caring for Children Who Have Experienced Trauma.https://www.nctsn.org

  • World Health Organization. Responding to Children and Adolescents Who Have Been Sexually Abused.https://www.who.int

  • Rosenthal, S., Feiring, C., & Taska, L. (2003). Emotional Support and Adjustment Over a Year's Time Following Sexual Abuse Discovery.Child Abuse & Neglect.