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When a Woman Caused Sexual Harm

When we think about child sexual abuse, many of us picture a man or an older boy as the person causing harm. But women can and do sexually abuse children — and both boys and girls can be harmed. 

If you are here because your child has told you about sexual behaviour involving a woman, take what they are telling you seriously.

The gender of the person who caused the harm does not determine whether your child's experience was abuse.

If you are dealing with a recent disclosure:

Go to The First 48 Hours and Do I Need to Report This?

Why Can This Be So Hard to Recognize?

Women are often seen as caregivers, nurturers and protectors.

A mother may bathe or dress a young child. A caregiver may help with hygiene. A teacher may provide emotional support. Family members may hug, cuddle and show affection.

These ordinary acts of care are not suspicious.

The concern is when someone uses a caregiving or trusted relationship to cross sexual boundaries, create secrecy, gain sexual access to a child or normalize inappropriate behaviour.

Research suggests that female-perpetrated abuse can sometimes be hidden within behaviour that appears nurturing, affectionate, playful or caregiving. Gender stereotypes can also make concerning behaviour less likely to be recognized.

A useful question is not:

“Does she seem like someone who could sexually abuse a child?”

Instead ask:

“What happened to my child, and were their sexual boundaries, safety or development violated or exploited?”

When the Child Is a Boy

Boys can be sexually abused by women.

Sometimes their experiences are minimized because of harmful beliefs about boys, masculinity and sex.

An adolescent boy involved sexually with an adult woman may be described as “lucky,” assumed to have wanted the attention, or treated as though the experience was a sexual achievement rather than possible exploitation.

He may even have enjoyed the attention, cared about the woman or believed at the time that he was participating willingly.

That does not make a child responsible for an adult's behaviour.

A child or adolescent can also experience physical arousal during unwanted or abusive sexual contact. A physical response is not consent.

These assumptions can make it especially difficult for boys to recognize what happened, disclose it or be taken seriously when they do.

When the Child Is a Girl

Girls can also be sexually abused by women.

Female-on-female child sexual abuse has received comparatively little research attention, which can leave girls and women wondering whether what happened to them “counts.”

It does.

Recent survivor research has documented abuse of girls by women in family, social and other trusted relationships. Grooming, repeated abuse and delayed or absent disclosure were common experiences reported in that research.

A girl may struggle to understand what happened precisely because the person who caused the harm was female.

Being harmed by another female does not make the experience less serious or less deserving of support.

When the Woman Is a Mother or Caregiver

When sexual harm occurs within a caregiving relationship, it can be extraordinarily confusing.

• A child may love and depend upon the person harming them.

• They may believe the behaviour happens in every family.

• They may know that something feels uncomfortable without having the words to explain it.

• They may not understand until years later that boundaries were crossed.

Research with survivors of female-perpetrated child sexual abuse has described situations in which sexual behaviour was intertwined with caregiving, discipline, play or physical closeness.

This does not mean parents should become suspicious of ordinary caregiving or affection.

The concern is sexualized behaviour, exploitation, coercion, secrecy or inappropriate sexual boundary violations — not nurturing itself.

Why Might My Child Have Trouble Telling Me?

Children disclose sexual abuse in many different ways. Some tell immediately. Some tell gradually. Some do not disclose until much later.

When the person causing harm is a woman, a child may also:

• not recognize what happened as abuse

• believe the behaviour was caregiving or affection

• love or feel loyal to the person who caused the harm

• worry that nobody will believe a woman could have done it

• fear breaking apart their family

• feel confused about their body's response

• worry about what the experience means about their sexuality or identity

• have tried to tell someone before and been dismissed

• simply not have the words to explain what happened.

There is no single “correct” way for a child to respond to sexual abuse.

What Should I Do If My Child Tells Me?

You do not need to figure everything out tonight. Start with your child. Listen. Believe them. Help them feel safe. Try to remain calm in front of them. Let them tell you what they want to tell you in their own words. Avoid interrogating them or repeatedly asking for details.

Avoid questions such as:

“Why didn't you stop her?”
“Are you sure that's what she meant?”
“Why didn't you tell me before?”

Do not minimize what happened because the person involved is female.

And do not assume that affection, attachment, physical arousal, curiosity, apparent participation or delayed disclosure means your child consented to what happened. Your child does not need you to understand every detail right now. They need to know that you are listening, that you take them seriously and that their safety matters.

What Research Is Telling Us

Female-perpetrated child sexual abuse has historically received much less attention than abuse perpetrated by males.

Canadian research examining thousands of child sexual abuse cases in the criminal courts found that women represented a small minority of accused persons. The cases involving women nevertheless included serious and repeated sexual abuse, and boys represented a larger proportion of complainants than in cases involving male accused persons.

Court and police statistics cannot tell us how often female-perpetrated abuse actually occurs because many experiences of child sexual abuse never come to the attention of authorities.

Recent Australian research has also examined female-perpetrated sexual abuse of adolescents. Researchers identified the importance of opportunity, boundary violations and gender stereotypes. Because women may be perceived as less sexually threatening, concerning behaviour can sometimes be interpreted differently than similar behaviour involving a man.

Research with survivors has also documented psychological manipulation, difficulty having female-perpetrated abuse recognized or believed, and the particular complexity that can occur when abuse is intertwined with caregiving.

The evidence does not suggest that women and men sexually abuse children at equal rates.

It tells us something simpler and very important:

A woman should never be ruled out as a possible source of sexual harm simply because she is a woman.

A Note for the Parent Reading This

If you came to this page because the person who harmed your child is a woman, you may be trying to make sense of something that does not fit what you believed child sexual abuse looked like.

You may feel disbelief, confusion, anger or uncertainty about what to call what happened.

You do not need to resolve all of those questions today.

Start with your child.

Listen to them. Take their experience seriously. Help them feel safe.

Your child's experience does not become less significant because the person who caused the harm was a woman.

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