The Ironwood Project
Superscript

Why Children Cope The Way They Do


Children do not choose how they cope in a fully intentional way. Coping responses are often automatic and shaped by: Age and developmental stage, Nature and duration of the trauma, Relationship to the person who caused harm, Available support and safety, Personality and prior experiences

The goal is not to judge coping, but to understand it and support recovery.


Helping Your Child Feel Safe - Understanding Trauma Reminders

After experiencing sexual abuse, some everyday people, places, sounds, smells, words, or situations may remind a child of what happened. These are often trauma reminders or triggers. A trauma reminder can cause a child to react emotionally or physically, even when they are safe.


A child experiencing a trauma reminder may suddenly become anxious, angry, tearful, withdrawn, clingy, unusually quiet, or seem to "freeze" or shut down. They may also complain of headaches or stomach aches, have difficulty sleeping, become startled easily, or struggle to concentrate.


These reactions are a normal response to trauma. They are not misbehaviour, attention-seeking, or a sign that your child is "getting worse." During a traumatic experience, the brain and nervous system learn to recognize anything that feels similar to the danger. Later, those reminders can automatically activate the body's survival response—even when no danger is present.


With time, supportive relationships, and trauma-informed care, these reactions usually become less frequent and less intense.


Common Trauma Reminders

Every child is different, but common trauma reminders may include:

  • Certain people

  • Certain places

  • Loud voices or yelling

  • Particular smells (such as alcohol, smoke, or cologne)

  • Bedtime or sleeping alone

  • Darkness

  • School or certain classrooms

  • Medical or dental appointments

  • Physical touch or unexpected hugs

  • Bathing or getting changed

  • Holidays, anniversaries, or special dates

  • News stories or television shows

  • Social media or online content

  • Conflict between adults

  • Feeling rushed or out of control



Your child may need extra support, but struggle to share that with you. Children often communicate distress through their behaviour. Your child may:

  • Cry easily or become tearful

  • Become angry or irritable

  • Withdraw from family or friends

  • Become unusually quiet

  • Cling to a trusted adult

  • Have nightmares or trouble sleeping

  • Avoid certain people, places, or activities

  • Complain of headaches or stomach aches

  • Have difficulty concentrating

  • Become restless or unusually emotional

  • Seem to "freeze," shut down, or become unresponsive

  • Regress to earlier behaviours, such as needing more reassurance or comfort


These behaviours are often signs that a child is feeling overwhelmed, not trying to be difficult.


Children recover best when they consistently experience safety, predictability, and supportive relationships.


Creating an environment where your child can feel safe is an important goal. Ways to support a feeling of safety at home: 

  • A calm, trusted adult nearby

  • A predictable daily routine

  • Quiet time in a safe space

  • Their favourite blanket or comfort item

  • Reading together

  • Listening to calming music

  • Drawing, colouring, or creative activities

  • Time outdoors or going for a walk

  • A favourite toy or stuffed animal

  • Gentle movement, stretching, or deep breathing

  • Time with a pet

  • Familiar bedtime routines

  • Choices whenever possible

  • Praise and encouragement for small successes


When your child is overwhelmed, staying calm yourself is an important tool.

Some ways to do that are:

  • Stay calm and regulate my own emotions first.

  • Speak slowly and use a gentle, reassuring voice.

  • Remind my child, "You're safe now. I'm here with you."

  • Listen without judgment or pressure.

  • Offer comfort, while respecting if they do not want to be touched.

  • Give simple choices to help them regain a sense of control.

  • Keep routines as consistent as possible.

  • Be patient and allow strong emotions to pass.

  • Talk about what happened only after they feel calm and safe.

  • Remember that healing takes time.


Remember that children heal in relationships.


One of the greatest gifts you can offer your child is your calm, consistent presence. You do not need to have all the answers or make every difficult feeling disappear. By helping your child feel safe, listened to, and loved, you are supporting the healing of both their brain and their nervous system.


Research consistently shows that a stable, caring, and emotionally available caregiver is one of the strongest protective factors in a child's recovery after trauma. Feeling believed, protected, and supported helps children rebuild a sense of safety, develop healthy coping skills, and experience better long-term emotional and mental health outcomes.


The following organizations and publications were referenced in the preparation of this information.

  • BOOST Child & Youth Advocacy Centre. Supporting Children, Youth and Families After Abuse.https://boostforkids.org

  • Canadian Centre for Child Protection. Resources for Parents and Caregivers.https://www.protectchildren.ca

  • Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH). Trauma and Mental Health.https://www.camh.ca

  • National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). Understanding Child Traumatic Stress and Resources for Parents and Caregivers.https://www.nctsn.org

  • Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog (3rd ed.). Basic Books.

  • Shonkoff, J. P., Garner, A. S., et al. The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress.Pediatrics, 129(1), e232–e246. (2012)