The resource project

From Those Who Have Been Here:

Words from Survivors and Parents Who Have Walked this Path

"Deeply listening to, supporting, and advocating for my child strengthened the trust and openness between us in a way I believe will carry through the rest of our lives."

"There is no playbook for this; every family’s journey will be different. What matters most is making sure your child knows you’re on that journey with them, walking by their side."

This is what I wish I had known: 

"It was never my job as a child to make everyone else feel comfortable and appease the adults. It was their job to protect me at all costs. Had I understood this earlier on, I could have learned to protect myself much much sooner in life."  

This is what helped me: 

"Music and other creative outlets have given me so much solace over the years. The arts also help to counteract the hit to a child's self esteem that can often arise. As a child I found it easier to express my complex feelings through music, even when not shared, it could just be something for myself." 

This is what I wish my parents had understood:

"Predators are often those people closest to your family and that your relation to and with these people can blind you, even as a parent from seeing the signs." 

This is what I want you to know about your child:

"They can go on to live healthy lives with support and encouragement, they do not have to be defined by the abuse, and talking about it openly can help free them from the shame they might otherwise internalize."  

"Show your children what boundaries look like, and how to assert them, give them to the words and the permission."

"You might not have been able to do anything to prevent your child's CSA, until you FIRST found out.  After that, you must carry a heavy burden on your shoulders, but it's your responsibility as a loving parent.  What do you need to do for your child? Trust them. Believe them. Protect them. If you do these things, they will love you forever."

"I very much appreciate that my parents were taking action to ensure that the CSA was reported to police and that my abuser would be held accountable, and I wish that they would have told me that it was not my fault; I didn't do anything wrong; I'm not in trouble. Being asked questions which felt accusatory (for example, why were you over there? You should have known better, why didn't you say something, etc) reinforced blame and shame upon me as a child as opposed to placing the blame on the abuser."

"I believe that had my parents engaged in a more open, supportive and ongoing dialogue about how I was doing after the abuse, it would have helped me greatly. Particularly given that I had blocked out of my memory a lot of the abuse and then intense memories started flooding back during puberty but because my mom was not comfortable or did not have the skills to speak with me about uncomfortable topics, I didn't feel I could go to her with these scary memories and ask about what had happened. This left me feeling very isolated and alone."

"That I was not a bad kid acting out but rather a confused, scared, hurt and angry teenager who was silently screaming for help and needed support and confirmation that I wasn't going crazy and that this actually happened and that it wasn't my fault and some semblance of emotional support." 

"The healing process is not a one and done box to check off - it looks different for everyone and changes throughout our lifetime. It is important to ensure that those uncomfortable conversations continue so that you can normalize the discussion and remove the stigma and shame attached with the abuse."