Superscript

Parenting Together After Disclosure

A Guide for Parents and Caregivers

When a child has experienced sexual abuse, parents often want to do everything possible to help them heal. It is common for parents to have different opinions about how best to support their child. One parent may believe in talking openly about feelings, while another may focus on returning to normal routines. One may be highly protective, while the other encourages independence.

Although these differences can create tension, children benefit most when the important adults in their lives work together to provide safety, consistency, and support.

Focus on Shared Goals

Even when parents disagree on specific parenting strategies, it can be helpful to identify common goals. Ask yourselves:

• How can we help our child feel safe?

• How can we support our child's emotional well-being?

• How can we maintain stability and predictability?

• How can we encourage healthy healing and resilience?

Keeping the focus on the child's needs rather than parental differences can reduce conflict and improve decision-making.

Avoid Putting Your Child in the Middle

Children who have experienced sexual abuse are often highly sensitive to conflict and may feel responsible for the emotions of others.  Try to avoid:

• Arguing about parenting decisions in front of your child.

• Asking your child to choose sides.

• Using your child as a messenger between parents.

• Criticizing the other parent in front of your child.

• Asking your child to report on the other parent's actions or opinions.

Children should never feel responsible for managing disagreements between adults.

Respect Different Parenting Styles While Maintaining Core Consistency

Parents do not need to parent identically to support a child's recovery.  Instead, focus on consistency in key areas:

Safety

• Ensure agreed-upon safety plans are followed.

• Respect recommendations from professionals involved in your child's care.

• Communicate concerns promptly and appropriately.

Emotional Support

• Validate your child's feelings.

• Let them know they can talk when they are ready.

• Avoid forcing conversations about the abuse.

Predictability

• Maintain routines whenever possible.

• Communicate changes in schedules clearly.

• Maintain the structure of the home with love and nurturing.

Children can adapt to different parenting styles when they experience safety, support, and consistency across environments.

Be Mindful of Overprotection and Pressure

Following a traumatic experience, parents may respond in different ways. Some parents may become highly protective, while others may encourage a quick return to normal activities. Both responses often come from a place of love and concern.

Consider whether your actions are: Helping Your Child Feel Safe or Reflecting Your  Own Fears and Worries.  Questions to ask yourself:

• Is this decision based on my child's needs or my anxiety?

• Am I giving my child opportunities to build confidence?

• Am I expecting my child to move forward before they are ready?

• Have I considered my child's perspective?

A balanced approach supports both safety and gradual independence.  Disagreements are normal, especially when emotions are high.  When conflicts arise try your best to pause and refocus.  Seek professional help to get support.

This information reflects current trauma-informed guidance from the Ontario child advocacy centres, the Canadian Centre for Child Protection, BOOST Child & Youth Advocacy Centre, the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, the Ontario Association of Children's Aid Societies, the Canadian Paediatric Society, and peer-reviewed research on child development and recovery following childhood sexual abuse.

The following organizations and publications were referenced in the preparation of this information.

• Canadian Centre for Child Protection. (n.d.). Resources for Parents and Caregivers.
  https://www.protectchildren.ca

• BOOST Child & Youth Advocacy Centre. (n.d.). Resources for Families Following Child Sexual Abuse Disclosure. https://boostforkids.org

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). (n.d.). Caring for Kids: What Parents Need to Know About Sexual Abuse. https://www.nctsn.org

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). (n.d.). Understanding Child Traumatic Stress.

• https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma

• Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2018). Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma.

• https://www.childwelfare.gov

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). (2014). SAMHSA's Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach.

• https://store.samhsa.gov/product/SAMHSA-s-Concept-of-Trauma-and-Guidance-for-a-Trauma-Informed-Approach/SMA14-4884

• Canadian Paediatric Society. (2020). The Medical Evaluation of Pre-Pubertal Children with Suspected Sexual Abuse. https://cps.ca

• Ontario Association of Children's Aid Societies (OACAS). (n.d.). Supporting Children, Youth and Families. https://www.oacas.org 

• Cohen, J. A., Mannarino, A. P., & Deblinger, E. (2017). Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  

• Deblinger, E., Mannarino, A. P., Cohen, J. A., Runyon, M. K., & Heflin, A. H. (2015). Child Sexual Abuse: A Primer for Treating Children, Adolescents, and Their Nonoffending Parents. Oxford University Press.

• Afifi, T. O., MacMillan, H. L., Boyle, M., Taillieu, T., Cheung, K., & Sareen, J. (2014). Child abuse and mental disorders in Canada.Canadian Medical Association Journal.

• https://www.cmaj.ca

• Gewirtz, A. H., Forgatch, M. S., & Wieling, E. (2008). Parenting Practices as Potential Mechanisms for Child Adjustment Following Trauma.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

• Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary Magic: Resilience in Development. Guilford Press.